Alpaca Hears It Through The Grapevine

Zinfandel Advocates

Alpaca Finn heard through the Chanceville Grapevine, which has been alive and well as long as Chanceville has been Chanceville that Milton Matthews was in the Loone County Hospital. All she could find out was that he had had minor surgery. The hospital was located near the parsonage so she decided to walk over there and pay him a visit. This would be her opportunity to show him what a caring person she was. It had not escaped her that he would be a captive audience. She was not one to pass up a chance to insert herself into eligible bachelors lives.

She took special care with her appearance that day; she chose a dark purple suit and a creamy white blouse to accentuate her dark eyes and hair. She had taken to wearing gloves after observing that Miss Mayrose Mayhern always wore gloves and Milton, seemed intrigued by that plain spinster. Fortunately, she had been to the Lovely Locks the day before and had those pesky gray hairs touched up. Her only jewelry was a modest gold watch given to her by an admirer before she left Saints of the Lakes.

It was a lovely autumn day, just right for a short walk. Even if it had been a scorcher, she wouldn’t have sweat. Alpaca never let anyone see her sweat. She stopped at the information desk and found out that Milton was in room 211. She made a quick stop in the ladies room to check her makeup and hair. Her hair was pulled back into such a tight French twist, that there was no way it could have moved. When she was satisfied with what she saw in the mirror, she made her way to Milton’s room. She reminded herself that she should quit thinking of him as Milton, lest that slip out. For now, it was Mr. Matthews.

She tapped lightly on his door and walked on in. He was asleep, so she sat down quietly and waited, taking this opportunity to give him a thorough looking over. She liked what she saw. His white hair glowed in the sun that was shining through the window. She remembered his warm brown eyes from their encounter in the stationery store. His hands looked soft and uncalloused. Alpaca was about to reach for his hand when Nurse Jackson came in to check his vitals. They were both surprised to see each other.

“Oh, I didn’t know Mr. Matthews had company,” said the nurse. She had heard through that Chanceville Grapevine that Miss Finn was on a mission to find a husband and was immediately suspicious of the visitor’s motives.

“Mr. Matthews is a dear friend and I felt it my duty to call on him to find out how he is faring,” replied Alpaca.

“Of course,” said Nurse Jackson, not believing a word of it.

Milton woke up when Nurse Jackson put the blood pressure cuff on him. He smiled at her and closed his eyes again. He had had an emergency appendectomy in the early hours of that morning and was still pretty groggy.

“You have a visitor, Mr. Matthews,” said the nurse.

Milton looked over expecting to see his brother or sister-in-law; he flinched and then winced in pain when he saw Alpaca sitting there dressed to kill, an analogy that scared him.

“Why are you here, Miss Trout?” asked Milton, trying to make sense of this through the fog of pain medication.

“It’s Miss Finn, Mr. Matthews. Of course, it’s not unexpected for you to be a little fuzzy after what you’ve been through,” said Alpaca going on a fishing expedition.

“What have I been through?” asked Milton, not taking the bait. Nurse Jackson smiled to herself, thinking that Miss Finn had met her match.

“Well, you know, your illness,” said Alpaca, casting out once again.

“Oh, that,” said Milton as he closed his eyes. Alpaca thought she detected a sly smile. This wasn’t going to be easy. That’s okay, she thought, I like a challenge.

Nurse Jackson finished recording Milton’s vitals and told him everything looked good.

“I’ll be back later to check on you,” she said.

“Make it soon,” he mumbled and gave her a wink before closing his eyes again.

Alpaca cleared her throat and stood up. Milton opened his eyes in anticipation that this woman might be leaving. Instead she laid a book on his hospital tray. “I brought you this book, The Fascinating History of Chanceville, Indiana. I have one myself and I did, indeed, find it fascinating,” she told Milton.

“That’s very kind of you, but there’s no need to bring me a gift,” said Milton.

“It’s my pleasure. I’m sure, after what you’ve been through, you’ll need something to distract you until you’re able to return home,” she said, continuing to cast. Of course, she had plans to nurse him back to health once he was released from the hospital. And somehow through the haze, Milton beat her to the punch.

“I’ll be going to Celia and James’ once I’m released. I’ll enjoy sharing this book with them,” he said, simultaneously bursting her bubble of caring for him and making her gift  totally impersonal. In spite of that, she sat back down. He was about to tell her he was tired and wanted to sleep when Mrs. Crabtree, notorious hospital volunteer, came in with her cart of magazines and candy supplied by the Hospital Volunteer Fund. Milton let out an inadvertent groan. Hadn’t he been tortured enough today? He had heard all about Miss Crabtree at the Tipp Top Diner.

Homco Bisque Porcelain Bell

“GOOD AFTERNOON, Mr. Matthews,” said Mrs. Crabtree, who was quite deaf and, apparently, thought everyone else was, too.

“Good afternoon, Mrs. Crabtree,” mumbled Milton futilely trying not to engage her.

“Is there something on the cart you’d like?” she asked.

In order to get rid of her quickly, Milton pointed to a fishing magazine.

“Of course,” she said. “As soon as we pray for your speedy recovery.”

“That won’t be necessary,” he said.

“Of course it is. Only the Lord can heal. Only the Lord can give me permission to give you this magazine,” she said.

“Then I guess the “Lord” doesn’t want me to have this magazine, because I don’t want to be prayed over, or preyed upon,” he said, looking at Alpaca, who shifted uncomfortably in her chair.

At that, Mrs. Crabtree whirled her cart around running over Alpaca’s highly polished black leather pump mumbling something about heathens and their concubines.

“I’m very tired and in some pain,” said Milton as he rang for the nurse. “I think it’s time for you to go.”

“Of course,” she said. “I’ll be back tomorrow to check on you.”

“That’s not necessary at all. My brother and sister-in-law are keeping a close eye on me. Thank you for the book. I’m sure we’ll enjoy it.”

Even though she knew she was being dismissed, Alpaca walked over to Milton’s bed and tried to take his hand, which he immediately withdrew. She left without a word, but not without a plan.

The Blind Poodle Sisters

Everyone in Chanceville knew The Blind Poodle sisters, Annette and Babette and didn’t pay much attention to their eccentricities, but Alpaca Finn was fascinated with them when they came into the Lovely Locks Beauty Salon. They came in all cheery and laughing; honking the bicycle horns attached to their white canes and announcing loudly that the Blind Poodle sisters had arrived, as if people didn’t recognize them. 

Their big brown eyes, longish noses, and curly blonde hair did not make them look unlike the canine whose name they bore. Alpaca, who never missed a detail, noticed a little blond fuzz above each of their upper lips. Linda Lou had put Alpaca under the dryer and she and Misty Mae quickly went to work on Annette and Babette respectively. The sisters simultaneously crooked their index fingers and had Misty Mae and Linda Lou bend down as they whispered in their hairdressers’ ears. Alpaca was certain she was missing out on some juicy gossip, which her own canine-like hearing would certainly have been able to pick up if not for that noisy hair dryer.  

The sisters’ hair just needed a quick trim and they had gone on their merry way, arm-in-arm, by the time Alpaca got out from under the dryer. 

It was a real scorcher out and the twins wore, to Alpaca’s mind, extremely skimpy sundresses, much too risqué for ladies who appeared to be in their mid-forties.

“Um, Linda Lou, who were those two women and who on earth dresses them?” asked Alpaca.

Annette’s dress was made of a print of giant sunflowers and Babette’s was of giant roses. They wore multiple strands of bright plastic beads and big hoop earrings and to Alpaca’s utter horror; the twin’s legs were bare and quite hairy. 

 “Those were the Blind Poodle sisters,” said Linda Lou. “They’ve been blind since they were ten and they can still remember how they loved bright colors, so they have their maid, Poppy, buy the loudest, most garish clothes and accessories she can find. They like to make a statement.” 

“They certainly do that”, said Alpaca. “They actually have a maid?”

“Oh, yes. Their daddy, Melvin Poodle, everyone called him Muddy, was the richest man in Chanceville. He owned Poodle’s Pie Factory and Poodle’s Five and Dime. Their mama believed twins were unlucky and she ran away with a handsome traveling preacher right after the twins were born. Muddy never remarried so Annette and Babette were his only children and Daddy left them a bundle. I guess he’s been gone about six years now. They live in that big brick mansion on the corner of Main Avenue and Main Street, across the street from where the church used to be,” said Linda Lou. “You know, the one with the twin poodle statues on the front porch.” 

“I could hardly miss it. Those statues are pink!” said Alpaca, shaking her head.

 Linda Lou poked Alpaca in the back of the head with her comb and told her to hold still. 

“Every time I walk by there, it looks like there’s a party going on,” Alpaca added. 

“Muddy Poodle, wasn’t in the family mausoleum a day, before the twins made Bunny paint those statues,” Linda Lou explained. “Muddy would have had a fit. He sent all the way to Paris, France for those statues. He kept a tight rein on his daughters, what with them being blind and all, always worrying hisself silly over them girls. They didn’t waste any time kickin’ up their heels after Muddy passed.”

“I noticed they were bare legged and um, not exactly well groomed in the leg and underarm department,” said Alpaca. 

“Oh, they like to be au natural, if you know what I mean”, said Linda Lou winking.

“You mean, they don’t wear undergar..?”

“Not a stitch!” said Linda Lou. 

Milton's New Baby and Alpaca Lands a Job

Milton liked the looks of the Underwood Noiseless model, but he also kind of liked the friendly clacking of the typewriter keys when he got on a roll with his story writing. The Remington Deluxe was more his style, sleek and low to the ground. He asked Mr. Williams if he could take it for a spin and Mr. Williams quickly produced a sheet of paper for practice. Milton only had to type out one sentence to know that the Remington Deluxe was his new baby. He left the shop whistling, excited to get home with his brand new typewriter and a ream of off-white bond paper to hold his words. 

When Milton turned the corner and passed the White Jasmine Tea Room, he couldn’t help but look in the window to see if Mayrose Mayhern was in her usual spot, although he never knew her to be there any other time than Thursday mornings at 10:00 a.m. Instead, he saw Llama Trout, or whatever her name was. Strange lady, he thought. And that was the last thought Milton had about Alpaca Finn for quite some time. 

Alpaca saw Milton walk by and thought she perceived his step quicken a bit when he saw her sitting in the tearoom. Her list of eligible bachelors was quickly dwindling, several candidates whom she thought had potential turned out to be real duds, but Milton, to her mind, still had great potential. 

All she had to do was figure out the key to getting his attention. She would start with making his sister-in-law Celia her new best friend, but first she had more urgent business to take care of. She needed to find a job. The money Darrell Davis had given her before she left Saints of the Woods would soon run out. She probably shouldn’t have taken the money but he felt guilty about her reputation being ruined when his wife and then, the other ladies in town found out he had been sneaking around with her. That was the only thing he could think of to do when he found out Alpaca was leaving town.

Geraldine loved her job at the Loon County Library, but she had worked there for twenty-five years and every day was the same as the next. The only new thing in her life was Alpaca Finn’s tea parties. Geraldine loved a good mystery and her innate curiosity told her that the late Reverend Finn’s sister was up to something. It kept her coming back. She’d known the other ladies most of her life and none of them ever had anything new to say at Alpaca’s little soirees. It was always the same old gossip, but the tea and pastries were excellent and she enjoyed sitting back and watching Alpaca work the room. 

At last week’s tea party, Trachea Carmichael, Old Doc Trueblood’s nurse had to help doc with an emergency so she didn’t make it to the tea party, which made her fair game. Everyone agreed they hoped she didn’t bring her usual dried out baked beans to the church picnic on the 4^th of July and they certainly couldn’t be washed down with the oh so sour lemonade she made. It tasted like she used one shriveled old lemon for the whole pitcher and salt instead of sugar.

Geraldine never joined in on the gossip; she also never missed a tea party because she didn’t want to be the target of their barbs. She enjoyed sitting back, arms folded, watching Alpaca steer the conversation back to the menfolk of Chanceville. 

“Celia, what is your brother-in-law, Milton’s, favorite pie?” asked Alpaca. 

Celia looked puzzled, but answered, “I believe it’s gooseberry. Why do you ask?”

“I heard that Sunday is his birthday and I thought I would bring his favorite pie to the picnic.”

“Sounds good, " said Celia. To Celia’s knowledge, Alpaca didn’t even know Milton, but she had observed that Alpaca only revealed things in her own good time. 

Alpaca then turned her attention to Geraldine Nurse. Here it comes thought Geraldine. Alpaca had been buttering Geraldine up ever since the late Reverend Trout Finn’s funeral. As time went on Geraldine could see that nearly all of Alpaca’s line of questioning had something to do with the menfolk of Chanceville. What Geraldine couldn’t figure out was why Alpaca was so nice to her. She had no brother, dad or uncle and her son, Nathan, the doctor, was way too young for Alpaca. 

“Geraldine, what a lovely dress you’re wearing today. Is that new?” asked Alpaca as she topped off Geraldine’s tea and offered a delicate flowered saucer filled with tiny lemon wedges.

“Thanks, Alpaca. It’s not new. I wear it quite frequently,"  said Geraldine as she waved the lemon wedges away, thinking to herself, “Get to the point, Alpaca”. She knew Alpaca never missed a detail and that her frequent wearing of that dress would be discussed if she ever missed a tea party.

“Well, it always looks fresh and pretty on you, dear," said Alpaca as she set the saucer back on the teacart. “Not like that threadbare cotton print Annie Pat wears to every function she attends. You’d think wages at the Shop-A-Lot would allow her to afford a new frock once in a while.”

Geraldine wasn’t going to bite on that one. She knew that Annie Pat had a brother who couldn’t keep a job and that’s where most of her money went. She certainly wasn’t one to talk behind people’s backs and Annie Pat was a good friend of hers and what she did with her money was no one else’s business. Geraldine sat back, folded her arms, and waited for Alpaca’s next move. She didn’t have to wait long. Alpaca looked around the room and it seemed that everyone was happily engaged in conversation and enjoying their tea and ladyfingers. 

Alpaca cleared her throat, “How are things going at the library?” 

On the surface this seemed like a casual question, but there was nothing casual about Alpaca and Geraldine felt the weight of it. 

“Quiet as ever,” said Geraldine. 

“Well, I certainly hope you’re not working too hard, my dear," said Alpaca. 

Geraldine’s patience was starting to wear thin. She had just about had all of the “my dears” she could stand for one day and besides, there was no way she was this woman’s dear. 

“No, but I will be getting ready for the annual book fair soon.” And as soon as she said it, she knew that she had just given Alpaca her in. It was all she could do to keep from wincing.  

“As you know, I plan on making my home in Chanceville and will only be able to remain in the church parsonage until they sell it. I need to find a job as soon as possible so I can afford to move. I've had some experience working in our library in Saints of the Lakes. I would love to come to work for you, if you think I could be of service," she added looking demurely down at her well-manicured nails. 

Geraldine took a few minutes to mull this over. Her most recent assistant, MerryLynn Tarmack, had recently decided that the library was way too quiet for her and had gotten a job as waitress at Tony’s 24 Hour Mechanic and Roadhouse. Geraldine was in need of help. She needed someone organized and that seemed to be one of Alpaca’s strong suites. Once, when Geraldine had taken some of the tea things into the kitchen she had noticed that the spices were alphabetized. There were also little white labels taped to all the doors of the cupboards, as if there were hoards of people coming through the parsonage who didn’t have time to hunt for what they needed. Still, it was a form of cataloging and that was a good skill for a library worker. But the thing that cinched the deal was her distrust of Alpaca’s motives and she thought it would be a smart idea to keep an eye on Alpaca on behalf of the good people of Chanceville. 

Milton Matthews Lays an Egg and Alpaca Goes Fishing

Miss Mayhern hadn’t given any more thought to Milton until she entered the tearoom and saw him sitting at “her” table. Her already straight backbone stiffened even straighter. What was Mrs. Little thinking, giving this stranger her table? Mayrose decided she wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of reacting as Mrs. Little escorted her to a table to the right of the alcove. 

She took a chair that allowed her to turn her back to Milton, which really annoyed her because now she was looking at the kitchen passthrough where the food orders were served up, instead of the soothing décor of the tearoom. As she gave her order to Mrs. Little through clenched teeth, she thought about not ordering the bran muffin and thereby shortening her time in the tearoom, but she was not going to play his ridiculous game. She would not change her routine, not one iota. 

As Mrs. Little passed by Milton on her way back to the front counter, she shot him a look. He raised his eyebrows and hunched his shoulders as if to say, what did I do? She had warned him not to take that table but he insisted, saying it would be a funny little joke and he would give it up when she came in. Mrs. Little tried to tell Milton that as far as she could determine Mayrose Mayhern had no noticeable sense of humor and that he should just leave well enough alone. And if he thought he could trick Mayrose into paying attention to him, then he was about three bricks shy of a chimney.  

Milton realized that Mrs. Little was right, so he went over to Mayrose’ table with the intent of apologizing to her and assuring her that he would never play that trick on her again. But she was mid-ritual and would not be interrupted. Mayrose would soon find out that Milton could be just as determined as she was. He stood there, motionless, patient, while she drank her tea and finished her muffin in exactly twenty bites. She wiped each corner of her mouth, folded her napkin in a perfect triangle, laid it beside her teacup and looked up at him, her eyes, bright blue flint, challenging him to say something sincere that would make his breach of etiquette all right with her. If Miss Mayhern were prone to the vernacular, she would be thinking, “fat chance”. Milton walked away, realizing this was a battle he would not be winning.

When Milton left the tearoom, he did not notice the smartly dressed figure of Alpaca Finn following him around the corner. He was on his way to Williams’ Brothers Stationery and Haberdashery to look at their selection of typewriters. Milton loved everything about the stationery side of the store. He was also in search of a new pen, always in search of the perfect pen. A few weeks ago he had bought the new Eversharp Skyline and found it way less than perfect. It wrote in fits and starts and was not at all dependable. Milton was lost in a display of pens when he heard someone clear her throat several times. He finally looked up and there stood Alpaca on the other side of the display counter. He nodded and went back to looking at all of the lovely pens, but Alpaca was never one who could suffer being ignored. She came around to Milton’s side of the display and lightly touched his arm. Milton took a step back and Alpaca removed her gloved hand from his arm. 

“I’m Miss Alpaca Finn, sister of the late Reverend Trout Finn. Your sister-in-law, Celia, pointed you out to me one day when we were in Steele’s Hardware. You were busy, so I told Celia I could meet you another time. It’s good to meet someone else new to Chanceville," said Alpaca. She was 5’ 11 1/2” and enjoyed being able to actually look up into someone’s eyes and Milton’s were a warm brown. She imagined that the corners of his eyes crinkled when he smiled, but right now he just seemed to be puzzled by her presence. 

“Um, nice to meet you, too," Milton finally managed to mumble as he went back to looking at pens. He wasn’t seeing anything new that caught his fancy (in more ways than one) and was ready to move on to the typewriter displays. 

“Excuse me, " he said as he tried to move past Alpaca, but she was playing defense and blocked the aisle.

Eighty-five –year-old Mr. Williams, The Younger, came over and asked Alpaca if he could help her. He knew Milton could find his way around the store.  

“No, thank you," said Alpaca. “I was looking for a specific brand of notecards that I don’t believe you carry," Alpaca sniffed.

“If you’ll just tell me the name of the company, I’m sure we could order them for you," said Mr. Williams. 

“Oh, is that the time?” Alpaca said, looking at her watch. “I need to talk to Mr. Matthews for just a minute and then be on my way to an appointment. Could you please excuse us?”

Mr. Williams, The Younger, stroked his pencil thin mustache, nodded, and walked away. He hadn’t worked with the public since he was a boy without learning to read people. He knew when he was being dismissed. 

Alpaca, resisting a sigh, looked up at Milton and tried gazing deeply in his eyes, but he was looking at something over her shoulder. She started to lay her hand on his arm again and thought better of it. 

“Excuse me," Miss Trout, it was nice meeting you, but I would really like to go over and look at the typewriters.” 

“It’s Miss Finn," she said, trying to keep the annoyance out of her voice. “Are you a writer? That’s very exciting,” she said before he could answer.  

At this point, Milton was only seeing her as an obstacle and just wanted her to move. As he had demonstrated earlier in the tearoom, he was normally a man of great patience, but this was starting to wear thin. He bobbed to his left and she shifted to her right. He bobbed to his right and she shifted to her left. He was actually thinking of picking her up and moving her, when she finally came to the point. 

“I was wondering if you would like to come to my house for dinner one evening soon,” she asked. 

“I’m afraid I’m busy that night," said Milton, thinking of pivoting and doing an end around the pen display. 

“I didn’t say WHICH night.” 

“Oh,” Milton said softly. “It’s just that I’m working on a big project and won’t be available for quite some time. I do appreciate the invite though.”  

The bell over the door tinkled and Alpaca was distracted just long enough for Milton to make a beeline for the typewriters. Alpaca followed him and told him that she wished him luck with his project and left it at that. 

“Uh, huh," Milton said, clearly distracted by the beautiful new Underwoods and Remingtons. 

Alpaca exited the store, but by no means was she close to exiting Mr. Milton Matthews’s life. Oh, no, not by a long shot.